Schlemozzle

There are basically two types of jerks in the world. Here is the story, a guy goes to the movies, buys popcorn and soda and all of that crap. On the way back to his seat he dumps all of his stuff all over the place, this man is a schlemiel. The poor bastard he dumps all of this stuff onto is the schlemozzle. Currently, I am life's schlemozzle. Right now I am in the midst of a shit storm of luck that will most likely become the stuff of legend. Primitive tribes will someday sing songs about what an unfortunate fuck I am.

Last Thursday, my wife, who is also a teacher got her pink slip. New York has apparently run out of money. To help fix this our governor said "Hey, fuck the schools". Which is a pretty brilliant idea, because when there are no jobs the last thing you want is a bunch of educated people sitting around getting pissed off about things. So really, in the long run it will be better for the government to sabotage the educational system, keeping the future generation fat, dumb and happy. Luckily for us, other countries in the world are still educating their children, and these people will continue to develop video games, which will pacify us and keep the American masses engrossed enough to stop any possible uprising. Our state was originally going to close the state parks as well, but then they decided not to because they must have figured that all of the unemployed teachers would need a place to hang out.

So my wife was really upset about losing her job, it really sucks when someone you love is hurting like that and there is nothing you can do to help. We were sitting in our kitchen trying to look on the bright side, talking about how everyone was still healthy, attempting to put a positive spin on things. Little did we know that while we were having this conversation, some woman had apparently gently dozed off while driving and was heading directly towards our house. The positive spin conversation came to an abrupt halt when this woman's car smashed through our porch, taking out the corner of my house. Once again, by some miracle, nobody was hurt and things really could have been much, much worse.

I take the day off today to try to deal with the house situation, calling insurance companies, shit like that. I had a contractor come to the house to look at the damage and get an estimate on the repairs, and wouldn't you know it, his fucking truck slips out of park and smashes into my car. Once again, not his fault, and thank God we have our health, but this sucks. I am at the point where I want one of my mishaps to cause damage to some poor bastard. I am kind of getting tired of being on the recieving end of this fuck-fest.

All in all, I am really gratefull that we are healthy. This too shall pass.

Been Busy Lately

I have really been busy lately, I have been meaning to post, but it seems that every time I sit down to write something comes up. Last Saturday night I was going to write about my latest venture to the local Walmart, but then a situation came up. My youngest son was spending the night at my sister in laws' house and we got a call around 11:00 because he apparently forgot to bring his athsma inhaler. So, I had to drive 45 minutes to go and get him, which was not in my plans for the evening. But, it was during this drive that I started to think about all of the little unplanned adventures that life throws our way. In my life, there have been many times where I have found myself doing something where I have suddeny thought to myself "What the fuck am I doing here? How did this happen?" Situations like the time I found myself in the kitchen of a biker named Little Bob getting a tattoo, or the time I was hanging onto the back of a firetruck, wearing a civil war military uniform driving through a small town in upstate New York, I even once found myself being bullied into doing the Chicken Dance at a petting zoo. It is at times like these where you mentally stop for a second, take stock of the stiuation and realize that every decision that you have made in your life has led you directly to where you are. Something as trivial as choosing the chicken instead of the beef at a wedding could have changed everything. But there you are doing something that really was not on your lifes itinerary, for better or worse.

By the way, if you do ever find youself in a bikers kitchen getting a tattoo, it is really time to reconsider the direction your life is heading. Especially, if like me, you are not a biker. It is one of those situations where there really is very little chance of something good coming as a result of you being there. When I did this particular stunt, all I could think about was the nickname of the guy giving the tattoo. Little Bob was not little, and for all I know maybe his name wasn't even Bob. I was obsessing about his name, was it one of those ironic nicknames, like the bald guy named Curley, or was there an even bigger Bob smewhere in the world. A Bob who was a mountain of a man making the earth tremble with each step, eclipsing the sun, and making bitches like me do his bidding. I never asked Little Bob about this, while I really do not have a whole lot of experience in these matters, I would think that it really is not a good idea to get a large biker angry while he is giving you a tattoo. Actually, I cannot think of a time when it would be a good idea to get a big biker angry, but especially not when he is giving you a tattoo. The reality of the situation was that Little Bob was in fact big enough to make a little bitch like me do his bidding.

While I am on the subject of tattoos, I am facinated by the neck tattoo, specifically the people who think it is a good idea to get one. I found myself in Walmart recently, I had to get the oil changed in my wifes' car. I had some tme to kill while waiting for the car so I was just walking around the Walmart. I was struck by the amount of people walking around with poorly made tattos on their necks. Now, I am obviously not anti-tattoo, but I do think that they do need to be strategically placed. The avereage person should be able to hide their tattoos for certain situations, like weddings, job interviews, stuff like that. The people who get neck and facial tattoos really interest me. There are certian occupations where you can pul off a neck tattoo. Professional atheletes, and rock stars can get away with them, as can tattoo artists. These are the types of people who are really not going to be held back by a neck tattoo. Outside of that, there are few situations where a neck tattoo will not hold you back. When your average jerk off the street gets a home-made tattoo on their neck, they think they are saying "Fuck The World", when in reality it is the world that is going to fuck them. For the average person a neck tattoo says "I am perfectly happy with minimum wage and subsidized housing". You are now pretty much embracing the world of social service intervention and law enforcement officials knowing you on a first name basis.

The Horror of it all

I teach High school. Last week I was teaching an 11th grade English class, getting the kids ready for mid-term exams, doing my part to shape the minds of the future generation. Which, if you knew anything about my misspent youth, is pretty ironic. So the class is going great, kids are quiet, learning, progress is being made. I was explaining something to a kid on one side of the room when there was a sudden commotion on the other side of the room, and kids start calling my name. I turned to quell a possible uprising, because I have been teaching for a while and I know that it is pretty easy for these kids to turn on you. But, I do not find an uprising, instead, I find a kid throwing up all over his desk. Within minutes the room smells horrible, almost nightmarish. I have a stinky room full of teenagers who now are all freaking out. At this time I thought to myself "What an undignified way to make a fucking living". I have a masters degree and my job includes such duties as being told to fuck off for asking a kid to take a baseball hat off. I also, at times have to break up fights, and let me tell you when two teenage girls are fighting, they fight dirty and do not care if those breaking up the fight get hurt.

In reality though, it is not just my job. Life in general is full of a constant barrage of indignities that we all have to suffer through each day. For instance, I have the worst hair known to man. It is puffy, frizzy and sticks up all over the place. If I don't keep it short I pretty much look like I am walking around wearing a clown wig. Why is it that I have to walk through life with hair such as this?

The other day I was at a convenient store. There was some asshole at the register, who, apparently had just cashed in his 401k plan and was now investing in lottery tickets. I was stuck in an agonizing wait for my cup of coffee. There was a guy in front of me in line who was well dressed, professional looking, I suppose he was a nice enough man. While we were waiting this poor guy sneezed, and when he sneezed he farted loudly, and you could tell he was embarrassed. I thought to myself 'there but for the grace of God go I'. But, this is just an example of one of the many little things we all have to put up with on a day to day basis. Bad hair, seezefarts, acne, spilling shit on your shirt on the way to work, random cat fights at work are all examples of things that fate throws at us day after day. All of these constant little indignities either make us stronger, or reduce us to whimpering quivering shells of humanity, and when you wake up in the morning you never really know which way it is going to go.

If you were wondering, the sneezefart guy played it off like nothing happened. He just kept waiting in line and all of us tried to avoid making eye-contact with him. What can you really do in a situation like that? My first instinct would have been to drop my purchases and run out of the store yelling "You all suck".

Oprah

Oprah made me cry yesterday, I am not usually big on showing emotions, I almost never cry, in fact I am pretty much an emotional cripple. The only time I seem to find myself crying is when I watch Oprah. Yesterday she had this story about a kid who was a twin and his brother died of cancer and he was apparently inconsolable. He managed to find comfort in baking and started his own business and donated the profits to all of the different charities that helped his family while hos brother was sick. It was fucking heart-wrenching. Then Oprah asked the kid who his favorite celebrity was and he said it was Paula Dean; and guess who pops up with a plate of cookies. At this point I am sitting on the couch bawling.

Next, as if this was not enough, Oprah gives the kid and his family ten grand to buy stuff for his kitchen and expand his kitchen. This is when it dawned on me that Oprah is the real life version of the Wizard of Oz. She just gives people stuff and their lives are better. I once watched her show and she gave a guy who lost weight and she gave him a Porsche. I have this dream of going to see Oprah only instead of asking for a heart or courage, having her give me a stronger work ethic. maybe that way I could make something of my life.

The News

I watch the news a lot, I am middle aged, so I feel as though it is a requirement. This past week there were two stories that really caught my attention. First, Mike Tyson apparently went after some guy in an airport. The second was Mariah Carey making some speech while apparently drunk. While these two stories obviously were not the most important things going on this week, I have stuff to say about both of them.

Now Mike Tyson is a boxer. He makes a living kicking peoples asses. That is what he does. When he fills out his taxes, under profession, he has to put that he is a can of whupass. We as a society have given him fame and fortune based upon his extraordinary skills at violence. I have listened to interviews that he has given, and he seems like a nice enough guy, and I feel deeply for anyone who has had to bury a child, but he is a fighter. So, should we really be surprised when he goes after some annoying reporter in an airport? In fact, in light of the stuff this poor guy has had to go through with the death of his daughter, combined with the fact that he is a pretty violent man I think we should actually be a little more surprised if he manages to make it through an airport without attacking someone.

Mariah Carey is a pop star, a musician. When the hell did a drunk musician become a newsworthy item? There was a time when we trusted our musicians to do stuff like that. Kieth Moon drove a car into a hotel swimming pool, Kieth Richards had to get a blood transfusion to enter the country. I am sure that a star like Dean Martin not only would have given a speech while drunk, but he probably would have continued to drink while doing so. This story either says that we have become so obsessed with the lives of our stars that we take a certain ammount of joy in their weaknesses, or it speaks to the double standard of the standards we set for male stars as opposed to woman female stars.

Christmas Gifts

For Christmas this year my wife got me a hat. I really, really wanted this hat, it is cold here and I need to keep warm while out clearing the driveway. This is upstate New York and during the winter that becomes a major task, one which takes up a tremendous ammount of time. Especially if you have kids like mine, who will without fail come up with a incurable ailment, or suddenly remember a pressing homework assignment whenever the driveway needs shoveling. Actually, while I may bitch about it, I really don't mind shoveling. I can listen to my i-pod, and I kind of find the solitude comforting.

Anyway, back to the hat. The hat I wanted was a mad bomber hat, the kind with the ear flaps and all, and as you can see it is wonderful. The only problem is that my wife absolutely hates the hat. She is mortified when I wear it, and says that with my beard, the fur on the hat makes me look just too hairy. She also complains that I look like I have just stumbled in from the frozen tundra, perhaps returning from hunting rabbits.

The thing that gives this tale an O Henryesque twist of irony is one of the gifts I gave to her for Christmas. I got her an electric mattress heater, and I hate this damn thing. It gets the bed way too hot and it is impossible to find a cool spot while falling asleep. Even though only her side is turned on, it gets warm. it kind of makes me long for the Lucy and Ricky days, where married couples each had thier own beds, and I guess would schedule conjical visits. But this is just like "The Gift of the Maji", only instead of the giver sacrificing their most prized possessions for their spouse, gifts were given that annoyed the living shit out of the givers. While admittadly, the story is not written as flowery as my favorite author would have written, it is still romantic in a real world sort of way.

Facebook

It was with great joy that I first signed up for a Facebook account. I was promised the opportunity to reconnect with old friends, meet new people with interests similar to mine, stuff like that. It was going to be a total reworking of my social life. I am not the friendliest person and I wanted to abandon my misanthropic ways, reach out to people, be normal.

It was not long after reconnecting with some long lost acquaintances that I started to realize why it was that I lost contact with these people in the first place. People drift in and out of your life all the time, it happens. I really do not have a lot in common with someone I was friends with in grammar school. Maybe we used to be close, but life has taken us on different journeys. There are people with whom I am very glad to be talking to or writing to again but for the most part I really find the whole Facebook experience to be a waste of time, do I really care if someone who I have not seen for years has found an imaginary lonely cow on a farm that does not even fucking exist? No, not really.

On another front winter is here, I live in the northeast. People bitch and complain about the snow, but it is what it is. We choose to live here, it gets cold, it snows. If people do not like it there is a whole country to live in, and there are places where shit like that does not happen. I love the first snowfall, when the trees get all covered, and you stand outside in the silence where the only sound is the almost imperceptible hiss of the snow falling. This year the first snowfall came during a full moon, I stood outside in the blue light, and it was almost spiritual, and I am usually not a sappy person but it was nice. Of course, not the snow is all just grey shitty sludge, filled with dirt and pollution that you track all over the house.

Winter has also brought chipmunks back into my life. I live in a pretty rural area, and I am constantly trying to fend off nature from intruding itself into my little area of the world. It is a continuous epic struggle, with wins and losses on both sides. But, I am constantly trying to keep stuff from growing on my roof or doing battle with some woodland creature who has made its' way into my house. This past weekend my youngest son found a chipmunk sitting on the stairs. Now there is currently a movie in the theaters that depicts having chipmunks in the house as a hilarious affair with a lot of singing and dancing and general shenanigans going on. In reality, it is not like that. First of all it is very very hard to get the little bastards to sing. Oh, they will wear the sweaters and dance all right, but just try to get the little fuckers to sing. They really hate it. So, I captured the offending creature, and I would like to say that I released it gently back into the wild, but in reality I made an example of the fucking thing, hoping that the other chipmunks would see what happens when you mess with me. I won the battle but not the war, because yesterday I noticed my cat playing with something, something that was dead, another goddamn chipmunk. They are now throwing themselves at me like cannon fodder. They know that I have the size and certain advantages like technology and thumbs, but they have numbers. They know this and they are using it to chip away at my fucking sanity.